With the announcement yesterday that reality TV family the Duggars are now expecting their 20th child, it seems like the Internet is ready to erupt: how could they be so irresponsible?, so many kids is a drag on the planet!, the oldest children are raising the little ones!, how can Michelle’s body endure yet another pregnancy??
Granted, I don’t see myself having a family of that size, but I also respect their decision. They seem to be responsible parents teaching their children values and life lessons. They don’t take hand-outs from the government, and their humble TLC reality show seems to be their way of encouraging others to be good parents and people. If they are joyful and grateful about the next addition to their family, who am I to cast judgement??
As the oldest of five children, I grew up in what is considered a large family by most people. But, compared to how my parents were raised our clan of seven was rather small; my mom is one of eight siblings and my dad is the oldest of seven. I am blessed with plenty of aunts and uncles and dozens of cousins. The support system we create for each other makes life more secure, more fun, more special.
Growing up in the country, a big family was a serious bonus. My nearest friends were at least a mile away, so my sisters and I often kept busy together. Today, my sisters are my best friends – I rush to them with exciting news, and we know we can always lean on each other in times of need. Every single day I am grateful for my sisters and brother.
I often hear that big families are a big drain on the planet, and in some ways I understand the point. After all, the more people walking the earth, the more resources pulled away from the earth. However, big families are also incredibly resourceful and often use less “stuff” per person than a household with only a few people. Because I have two nephews less than a year older than Mack, I haven’t purchased much for my little guy; my sisters are so generous to share what their boys outgrow. And, in a household with lots of tummies, no food ever goes to waste. Larger families often have to make do with the same size home as small families, so the pull on natural resources to run the home is the same as any other family. And, big families have to thoughtfully condense car trips to maximize time and effort spent hauling kids all over town.
Upon our announcement that our third precious baby is on the way, we had one family member chastise our decision to have another, especially one so close in age to the other two. She called me a “baby machine” and snarkily suggested that three might be too many. I chose not to take offense to her remarks – some people just don’t get the larger picture I am trying to paint. I don’t know how many children my husband and I will have. Perhaps three will be the number that makes our family complete…perhaps six won’t be enough. But I welcome new life to the world, and I firmly believe the best gift I can give my kids is a sibling.
So now, as my little family of four slowly grows towards five, I find myself thinking about what it means to raise a family of any size. Big concerns like how to pay for everything and little quandaries like how to minimize sibling rivalry spin through my head on a minutely basis. I think most issues facing big families are also faced by small families – we’re all the same!
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LOVE this, Maureen. So beautifully said. I’m amazed at how many raised eyebrows I get when I tell people that no, we’re not “done” with our two, and no, I don’t yet know how many we will have! I’m one of five, too, and I always loved the relationships I have with my siblings. I think it’s so true what you say about learning to do more with less when you have a bigger family. I understand people’s concerns about population growth, but when I see so many giant McMansions with families of 4 (or less!), I wonder if we’re missing the whole picture. We all need to learn how to live within our means and live well on mother earth.
We have five boys and on the one hand I agree with you. From interviews, it seems as if they can support their family without TV revenue, or government assistance. On the other hand, the last baby was premature, almost died. She is getting older, and yes one wonders if her body can handle another pregnancy in a healthy manner. All reasonable questions. And no, small families are not the same as big families in one big area, who raises the little ones? It’s much easier for parents to be involved with each child when there are only two or three, the more you have the harder that is. And kids don’t ask to raise their siblings. If YOU choose to have the kids, it’s YOUR job to raise them. That simple. With five boys it isn’t easy, I run myself ragged some days trying to keep up, no way anyone could do that with 20 kids. And even though I wouldn’t want 20 kids, I do agree that this is their choice.
Wow, FIVE boys!!! You must be a super-mom! My one little guy exhausts me to no end 🙂
As someone struggling with fertility and yet to have my first child, I really have a hard time hearing that a family is expecting their 20th child.
I am so sorry to hear about your struggles, Jessica. I truly hope and pray that someday your patience and sacrifice will be rewarded. It must be hard to hear about people with plenty when you are working so hard for just one precious little bundle. Keep me posted.
I understand your struggle, Jessica, but why would you hold that against them? Wouldn’t you be more upset at the thousands of women who birth children and abandon them – sometimes, repeatedly?
I don’t follow that family, so I don’t know their situation in detail, but I do take one issue with what you’ve said, Maureen. While I’m glad that they are not using welfare to raise their family (unlike some other TV families (at least I think I’ve heard that about the people on Sister Wives)), they are taking a government “hand-out” in a sense in that if they are sending their children to school, they are depending on government services. If their kids go to college, they will probably get Federal student loans (and more likely grant assistance because with 20 children, I doubt they will have the money to pay for college tuition on their own and not be considered financially needy). Even if they are conserving, they are using water provided by local government, they are creating trash and recycling that government must deal with, etc., and while for each person, it may be less than average, it is still a bigger drain on government and natural resources than if they had fewer children. Public education (and even voucher programs for private schools) are largely funded through local taxes that are largely based on property taxes (and in some places sales taxes), rather than being based on the number of children that a family decides to have and send to school. And that’s fine – I’d rather that system than any other – but I don’t think it is true that their decision to have a large family isn’t one that is draining resources from others, because if you have the same number of kids (20) in 2 child households, the amount of revenue generated in taxes from at least 10-20 working parents is going to be considerably more than the presumably one parent that is working in the Duggars family, and each of those 10 families is paying property tax to support their local schools, rather than just 1 family.
I’m also helping to pay for the Duggars’ choices because they are certainly using more health-care, and if they are having high risk pregnancies, everyone who is part of their health insurance company is helping to subsidize that choice.
I am very much pro-choice, so I respect Mrs. Duggars right to choose how she wants to use her body, and I hope that she has weighed the risks to herself and her family in her decision-making (and that, indeed, at the end of the day, it is her decision). I only wish that people who are so accepting of people having large families would also respect the choice of a woman to not have a baby if she doesn’t want to and would not support measures that make that choice more difficult (whether that be through birth control or abortion). As you’ve said, it is for each family to decide for themselves when/how/if they choose to have children, and it is a very personal choice which other people shouldn’t judge.
I’m in my mid-30s, and it is only now that I feel like I’m close to being financially ready to have a child because I’ve chosen to take lower-paying public service/government jobs throughout my career (and sadly, in some ways, my fiancee’s saving habits before he met me still make me question whether we can afford to have a child, especially if I want to be a stay-at-home homemade mother, which would be my preference). A small part of me resents the fact that I’m paying for so many other families to have children through all of the subsidies that are provided to them (including the child tax credit – that is definitely a government hand-out to the Duggars!) while I’m saving as much as possible to be able to support my to-be child, and yet I’m facing the prospect of over-crowded schools, higher health insurance premiums, etc. that result from others choices to have very large families. Of course, I didn’t meet my fiancee until I was already in my 30s, so our ability to have a very large family has already been curtailed – we struggle with whether we’ll even have time and the resources to have 2 children, even though we both care about and like having a sibling and want that for our child. We also worry that with 7 billion people already on the planet, shouldn’t we do our part to reduce population growth, or at least keep it steady?
All of these are difficult questions, and I think the only good thing about the debate on the Duggars’ choices is that it is opening up a conversation so that hopefully people will think about their personal decisions in a larger context.
I certainly appreciate the points you make. If it makes a difference, the Duggars do homeschool all their children (although I get the impression the older kids are largely responsible for much of the education going on in the house).
Good luck with your new life with your fiancee and have fun starting a family!! 🙂
Thanks, Maureen! I got all worked up and forgot the other thing I wanted to say, which is congratulations! Also, I’m sorry someone in your family said something unkind during such a joyful announcement. I’m very happy for you, your husband, and your incredibly cute, sweet kids!
And yes, we are excited/terrified about it, but I’m sure it will be really fun to start our family. First, we just have to schedule the wedding! 🙂
Elle, I am sure you have heard this, but most people are NEVER financially ready to have a child. You want to get to a certain point in your life before you have kids, wonderful. But things come up, kids might get sick, YOU might get sick, etc, etc…and your ‘plan’ goes right out the window. You do the best you can.
I don’t think anyone on here has said that each woman out there needs to have multiple children, nor do I think anyone on here has questioned a woman’s right to choose. I am a mother of five and I am VERY Pro-choice.
In the end, we all have to do what is right for us, but at the same time I hope we all realize that we can’t plan our lives too much.
Thank you so much for replying. You are right – I hadn’t seen anyone on here with that viewpoint, but I see that a lot out “there”, and I’m really, really happy to know that there are women who’ve chosen to have large families who are vocally pro-choice. I end up dealing with a lot of hypocrisy in my day job, and it is nice to be reminded that I’m not seeing it here at all – perhaps one of the big reasons I like Maureen’s blog so much!
Also, I agree that it’s hard to be completely financially secure and have a full plan before starting a family – I just really want to be to a point where we can afford food, rent, and healthcare with a little breathing room without my salary so that I can afford to stay home for at least a few years with our child. I’m worried about getting out of the job market and not being able to get back in when planned in this economy. That said, I’m definitely not getting any younger, so we’ll just have to get moving on it and hope everything does work out for the best. It’s just a bit scarier when you’ve got a little person depending on you, too. That’s actually why we aren’t married yet – I can’t get my head around spending lots of money on a wedding when that money could allow me to be at home loving/teaching/parenting my child! So yes, the “plan” changes and you do your best! Thanks for the reminder!
Hi Maureen,
I really love your blog! I find a lot of inspiration!
I am fully in defense of large families. I wish I had the possibility of planning for another 5 children at least. Anyway, I am beyond blessed with our only child so far.
As I said, I’m fully in defense of the large families who do things right! They use the reason God have them….and one of them is that, when one needs to use fertility treatments to keep having children, it’s time to stop.
Mrs. Duggard is able to have more children because of the modern medical technology, not because of God.
The Duggards do a lot of things right, but a few very wrong ones.
It bothered me that, after being on the brink of death, both mother and child with the last pregnancy, now she’s very careful by resting a lot, taking NAPS. Are you kidding me? That means only one thing: their older children are fully keeping this family going!
I know people are saying mean thing, but I did see a very appropriate suggestion for this next baby: Justenoughalready!
I think people keep forgetting that Michelle Duggar had 18 perfectly normal pregnancies before (okay, maybe 16 because they have 2 sets of twins) and the reason their last baby, Josie was born early was because Michelle was having gallbladder issues and it caused her to quickly develop eclampsia and do tots thought it best to take baby early. That could happen to ANYONE – even a first time mom. It’s not like she’s unhealthy and just keeps pumping babies out until her body gives out. She looks great for 45 and is a very healthy weight despite all the pregnancies 🙂
Large families are a blessing! We are thrilled to be expecting our 8th baby in May. God is good!
It’s nice to have babies but I think they may have an issue… probably love having babies. And I mean babies- they only last for less than a year. No-one ever talks about having children or adults! Only the cute little things that smell nice all the time. Give them milk and they’ll be fine.
How is it possible to just keep having babies like that? I wanted 5 babies. I even had names for them. And then I had 1 baby!! And I thought she was too much!! And when she turned 5 months I found myself pregnant with yet another girl! I have literally vowed never to go through this again! I want to concentrate on looking after my super gorgeous daughters rather than having to keep repopulating all the time and end up having the older siblings look after the little ones. That’s not fair. Not fair on them and not fair on myself. Good luck to the Duggars family. It is a big and huge responsibility on their shoulders, but I could never do. I hardly remember what a full nights sleep feels like! I cant wait for the day where I can go to bed when I want and wake up when I want… oh the joys of being young!!… oh Im only 23!! my eldest girl is 22 months! So I haven’t even been doing this for long at all!! The Duggars’s have been doing it for over 20 years so! In 20 years, I don’t even want to talk about grandchildren as I will only be in my early 40s and able to enjoy my life with my husband like when we first met!! Not look after yet another baby!
But hey, it’s her body 😀 xxx
I must agree that I’m also looking forward to the time when my husband and I can have alone time again! I don’t wish away these precious years with my little ones, but I also want to enjoy my older years traveling and enjoying what I want to do when I want to do it.
So happy to see this post! On a separate but related note, the Duggar’s use a homemade laundry soap recipe similar to your own Maureen! I want to thank you for your blog. I would never have been brave enough to try CDing if I hadn’t come across your blog. Before, I was just misinformed about cloth diapers. You have literally saved my little family hundreds of dollars as well with your green, cheap, and cheerful cleaning tips! Thanks from Oklahoma!
Wow, thank you for your kind words, Mikah! I am really happy to hear the tips on Homemade Mothering are helping your family.
I can understand points about population growth, but when it comes down to it, the number of people in a family is that family’s personal choice. Have you ever noticed how quickly people–including women who claim to support other members or their sex–jump to criticize other women for their choices in sexual partners, choices during pregnancy, choices during delivery, mothering choices, decisions on how big their families should be, etc. I see it as a new and accepted form of sexism. We as a society have a hard time trusting women to make their own decisions. Can you think of a comparable situation in which we’re so open and angry with our judgment’s of a man’s life?
Maureen, I got so carried away with my reply that I didn’t even say how thrilled I am for you! I’m not surprised you’ve decided to expand your family; you grew up in one of the most amazing families and you learned how to parent your brood from the best!
Congratulations on your expectant delivery, Maureen! Such exciting news! Poo poo to anyone who would ever discourage you to grow your beautiful family. You are quite the natural mommy with such a wealth of information to share. I’m thoroughly enjoying becoming reacquainted with your blog. I hope you’re feeling good!
I feel like a lot of people jump and say cruel things about the Duggars because they are misinformed. So many of the comments I see are based on false information about the world and the duggars.
Now in my opinion the Older duggar girls do not raise the Duggars little ones. They are a family and all boys and girls help out with the running of the household. They are blessed in my opionon to be learning so many life skills hands on.
Congratualtions Maureen on your coming little one!